我為什麼離開了成都
I got exactly what I wanted. I got a job where I could speak Chinese. But the stress was more than I could manage. In the first weeks, I had my first panic attack.
Without direction or support, my work was unproductive. Some joked this meant I couldn’t fail. My principles don’t permit such a waste my life.
The locals were nice people with whom I felt complete alienation. The expats were terrible people with whom I felt terror toward what that I might become. Between those two groups were mostly sad stories. It was only in the last weeks that I met decent people. Too little, too late.
I coped badly. I blindly accepted many kinds of drinks, smokes and drugs. Those decisions paired poorly with my already high tolerance for physical danger. Multiple times, I regained consciousness in unnerving circumstances.
It would be remiss to not mention the contributing factors of unresolved questions around health, family, love, and immigration status.
Without energy and with a unsupportive environment, I fell into a vicious circle.
It took a hard conversation with Sunara before I realized how much I was lying to myself. It took planning time with Clara before I realized I could leave. It took encouragement from Toss before I realized I didn’t need to look back.
A rental agreement, a mobile plan, a 微信, and 十萬人民幣。
